


it's not surprising (just inconvenient)

by borrowedtime



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: An introspection after the last ep, F/F, F/M, abuse tw, fluid Lena Luthor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 21:53:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13533291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/borrowedtime/pseuds/borrowedtime
Summary: She's destroyed people's lives before. The thing is, she's good at it.





	it's not surprising (just inconvenient)

**Author's Note:**

> I have seen very very little of the latest ep but enough of it that it inspired another Lena centric piece. Apologies for any inconsistencies with canon. 
> 
> I'm trying to run with James/Lena even if I don't really like it.
> 
> Title from Made of Stone by Daughter.

Lena knows limits. She's had herself taken apart and put herself back together enough times to know what her limits are. Seven glasses of whisky would be enough for people to start noticing that she's drunk. Eight glasses is when she starts slurring her words. She really think she's inherited what was rumored to be her father's absurdly high alcohol tolerance, but frankly she was too scared to ask. 

She stands in the centre of CatCo, her apartment not yet calling to her and James being adamant enough about her health and thus was not willing to accompany her there. She's not sure if she should celebrate the fact that Edge is still alive. She's not sure what it makes her if she doesn't want to. She toys with the fabric of her jacket. 

She crosses the room to Kara's desk. Finding herself straightening up the other woman's things, doubtless Kara will notice tomorrow, she thinks over the conversations she'd had earlier in the day. 

She knows herself much better than people seem think she does. Lillian, for certain, gave her a tiny glimmer of acknowledgement when she tried to get Lena to come to the conclusion that she should be herself. So, of course, she gave Lilian the credit for giving Lena an epiphany. Quid pro quo. It would give Lilian that much needed ego boost and Lena could once again continue under the guise that she was only 50% aware of her own talents. 

Fifth grade was a triumph for the darker talents that Lena possesses. She was still young enough to want to be liked, but old enough to have absorbed the all important Luthor lesson; fear is power. She hadn't wanted to be the mean girl, but she was double crossed. And a double crossing required a dismantling. She could not show weakness with, God forbid, mercy. 

Lena winces, as her hand brushes the edge of the desk and she moves away. Of course, she regrets it now. It was unnecessarily petty and cruel. She was better than that. She is better than that. Or, at least, she's trying. 

She ran the argument over and over in her mind. Destroying Edge would have been far too easy. Killing Edge would have been too easy, and it would have alienated her from those she had become so close to. Sure, she's destroyed people's lives before. The thing is, she's good at it. Unnaturally good at dismantling people in the same way Lilian had been so good at dismantling her. But the thing is, she's knows better. 

Lena hears a faint buzzing from the other side of the room. She crosses it to find her phone ringing on her desk. James, it reads. She hesitates, considers answering it and then watches as the call rings on, and on, and on. Then it stops and she can breath again. 

She likes James, she really does. She feels this little flutter in her heart every time he smiles, a whisper of butterfly wings. She appreciates the manner in which he stands up for those that need protecting. It's a noble pursuit, if not very novel. 

She wonders how he'd feel to know that she's in love with someone else. Lena hasn't yet gotten enough clues to be able to guess if he's figured it out. 

The thing is, Lena has strongly believed for quite a number of years that it is entirely possible to harbor affections for multiple people at multiple times. It made sense. People are attracted to people all the time, regardless of their availability. But, just because they are attracted to other people, doesn't mean they should act on it. 

That is what she tells herself the moment she sees Mon El reappear, from the depths of her nightmares. He is back, ergo Kara is unavailable. She is seeing James, ergo she is also unavailable. So, the attraction to Kara will continue under the radar and under the wraps. 

Of course, the fluttering of butterfly wings is nothing compared to the tidal wave of feeling that overcomes her when Kara walks into the room. Of course, when Kara smiles Lena pretends like she wouldn't destroy everyone and herself if it meant seeing Kara smile again. Of course, these are not ways that one should feel about one's very platonic best friend. 

She even called you her sister, says a voice in her head, that sounds vaguely like Lilian's. So, Lena ignores her feelings and continues her flirtation with James. Her gut tells her that it cannot go on for very long, not when he figures out he's playing second fiddle to the embodiment of the sun. Still, there's no harm in pretending.

She had considered asking out Sam when she had first met the other woman. Sam was attractive, intelligent and interesting. She had only stopped because she found out about Ruby. She couldn't do that to her, potentially break Sam's heart knowing she'd have to become entangled in Ruby's life as well. It had been a good decision in the end, and one Lena only regretted when Sam talked to her about how lonely it was sometimes to be single. Still, she had seen the way Alex had looked at her and had an inkling that Sam would likely be going on a date with the elder Danvers eventually. 

Lena had watched the news cycle report Edge and his misfortunes over the next few days when she had received a text from an unknown number. 

"He would be better put to rest. - L." 

It would be so easy to let Lilian express her love in the only destructive way she knew how. It would be so easy to agree with her and finally achieve her mother's love. This was the first way Lena knew love. Annihilation. Lilian had taught her that. Lex had compounded on it. 

Lilian had said, after all, that she ought to destroy all memory of her birth mother. She didn't want to be competing with a ghost. She had said that she only treated Lena this way because she loved her. 

When Kara had told her, once, that love was meant to build up and to strengthen, Lena had almost laughed in disbelief. Strengthen? No, love was to tear down. Love was to destroy the relationships of your daughter in the sake of best interests. Love was to deny them anything that wasn't suitable, even if that something was as simple as a food. Love was to belittle for the sake of improvement. That was the love that Lena had known. 

And that was the love that Lena had practiced, for a time. High school had been an isolated era. It was when Lex went off to college and Lena had found herself thrust into the silence of her home all the same way, only with more scrutiny. Isolation breeds loneliness and loneliness breeds contempt. 

So, Lena took power in the only way she could. Running the school wasn't particularly difficult. It wasn't hard to be cruel when cruelty was your version of family bonding. It did tug at her conscience though, but for the sake of her own sanity she ignored it. Students feared her, in the way petty high school fear worked. She was popular only because the other children were far too busy being worried she would come for them next, than to rise up against her small dictatorship. Lena was both vicious and fiercely intelligent, earning her both the highest GPA on record and students parting like the sea when she walked by. Lilian would have been proud of her then, if she'd bothered to pay attention. 

She'd been planning to approach college the same way. Then she met Jack. And then, well, the rest was history. 

Kara thought Lena to be a much better person than she was in reality. The only reason her tirade of cruelty had stopped in high school was because Lex's own personal tirade had begun. Then, Lena had decided that the world had had enough of her own cruelty and she vowed to never succumb to the madness again. 

But, her brain works in too similar of patterns and if it couldn't find someone else to destroy then it would destroy itself. Everyone had left her then, reputation be damned, because the reputation of her brother was far more important. And damaging. 

It wasn't particularly difficult to grasp at facts and realize that cruelty or popularity had done nothing to raise her shattered self worth or make her mother pay attention to her. Those years were the hardest. Those years were when she felt the closest to being six again, scared and alone. It wasn't hard to face facts and realize that she had never truly been loved. Scientists accept the facts, or they're mad. 

A change of scenery at helped. National City was a new area for her, and better yet an area where she did not know many people. Kara had changed that quickly, and Kara had helped her change quickly. In quiet ways, though. Lena still has remnants of darkness in the back of her mind, where she likes to pretend they don't exist. Right along with the desperate need for love, attention, and to be liked. But she is getting better. 

She at least hesitated before thinking about murdering Edge the first time. She didn't actually even go to kill him the second time either. She learns, and she realized that dismantling comes in more ways than death. Sometimes the law is good enough. And sometimes, imagining the face Kara would make if she found out Lena had killed someone was deterrent enough to not go through with it. Even if it would really be in everyone's best interests. Death threats and assassination attempts do become tiresome after a while. Even if one's own mother had stopped encouraging one's brother in his own contributions to that effort. 

All in all, Lena was just tired of it. Tired of trying to keep the darkness at bay and tired of her only options being to disappoint either of the most important people in her life. So, like she usually does, she thought her way out of it and ended up with a mostly satisfactory result. Edge was in prison and Lilian said she loved her, in person and without an insult attached. Perhaps that was a win enough. 

Lena sighs as she turns off the television and deletes the text message from her phone. Another would soon follow, they always did. She looks over at the clock on the wall of her office. A few seconds later, Kara bursts in with a smile and a coffee. 

"So, I promised to catch you up about me. So I'm gonna." 

Lena doesn't even try to restrain the smile that bursts onto her face. "I'm happy for you, Kara. If he's back." 

Internally, Lena sighs. Another little white lie certainly doesn't hurt Kara, even if it does hurt herself. But that was love, wasn't it?

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated. :)


End file.
